Constant Reader-
Yello! It is rare that I must come speak to you in this milieu, but sweet baby jesus, you must be made aware of this before it's too late. As you may well know, the great historical works of our mutual heritage have been co-opted, and we sit idly by, somewhat bemused, as mewling imbeciles press buttons and strum their controllers, attempting to capture the maudlin themes of Black Sabbath, KISS, AC/DC and other fine minstrels of our ill-spent youth. True, some make th
e argument that this introduces a younger generation to a time when rock actually Rocked, and there may be merit to that, but as with all things, the tangent of a tangent of a tangent eventually completely loses the original benefit.
Thus is the case with Guitar Praise.
For fuck's sake.
Seriously, where do you go with this shit? Where do you begin? It is common knowledge that Rock = Satan. That's Algebra 101, Constant Reader. At best, you're looking to gods of sex and drugs, but jesus? The product that this rips off is lame enough to begin with, but can at least be seen as a gateway from pre-packaged pop crap into something that will at least encourage you to sport heavy eyeliner. No, children, standing in front of your mom's 65" plasma, playing with the controller your coke-sniffing dad bought with the funds he misappropriated from the oil company while your illegal immigrant housemaid pockets priceless family heirlooms will not make you cool.
And while we're talking reality, Constant Reader, the argument posited that the video game introduces young minds to legitimate music barely, barely holds water, when compared to the shit we have to hear pour out of these little fucks' mouths as they brag, brag about being able to play Black Sabbath's "Paranoia," or some shit. Hey dumbass - YOU CAN'T FUCKING PLAY PARANOIA. You can play a video game. Put the fucking controller down and make your fingers bleed holding frets and learning chords, then come talk to me.* Until then, please remember that your "prowess" at Guitar Hero / Praise is only that: prowess at a fucking video game. It won't get you pussy, it won't garner respect from anyone you want to respect you, and it sure as hell won't make you rich. Fuck you, kid. Super Mario Brothers got me fuck all when it came to pussy, so I had to explore other options. I highly recommend hanging out in coffee shops, wearing black, writing whatever crap comes to mind, calling it creative and acting deep. Some stupid wannabe-beatnik chick is certain to fall for it. She may not be the one you want, but she will put out. And don't be above fat chicks. Think of the fat as training wheels, because when you get your shot with the chick you actually DO want to see naked, you gotta make sure that your performance will encourage her to get naked for you in the future. Learn from my mistakes, children.
And THAT, Constant Reader, is a slice of fried gold.
* - I may play the banjo, but at least I get laid. Happy September.
Yello! It is rare that I must come speak to you in this milieu, but sweet baby jesus, you must be made aware of this before it's too late. As you may well know, the great historical works of our mutual heritage have been co-opted, and we sit idly by, somewhat bemused, as mewling imbeciles press buttons and strum their controllers, attempting to capture the maudlin themes of Black Sabbath, KISS, AC/DC and other fine minstrels of our ill-spent youth. True, some make th
e argument that this introduces a younger generation to a time when rock actually Rocked, and there may be merit to that, but as with all things, the tangent of a tangent of a tangent eventually completely loses the original benefit.Thus is the case with Guitar Praise.
For fuck's sake.
Seriously, where do you go with this shit? Where do you begin? It is common knowledge that Rock = Satan. That's Algebra 101, Constant Reader. At best, you're looking to gods of sex and drugs, but jesus? The product that this rips off is lame enough to begin with, but can at least be seen as a gateway from pre-packaged pop crap into something that will at least encourage you to sport heavy eyeliner. No, children, standing in front of your mom's 65" plasma, playing with the controller your coke-sniffing dad bought with the funds he misappropriated from the oil company while your illegal immigrant housemaid pockets priceless family heirlooms will not make you cool.
And while we're talking reality, Constant Reader, the argument posited that the video game introduces young minds to legitimate music barely, barely holds water, when compared to the shit we have to hear pour out of these little fucks' mouths as they brag, brag about being able to play Black Sabbath's "Paranoia," or some shit. Hey dumbass - YOU CAN'T FUCKING PLAY PARANOIA. You can play a video game. Put the fucking controller down and make your fingers bleed holding frets and learning chords, then come talk to me.* Until then, please remember that your "prowess" at Guitar Hero / Praise is only that: prowess at a fucking video game. It won't get you pussy, it won't garner respect from anyone you want to respect you, and it sure as hell won't make you rich. Fuck you, kid. Super Mario Brothers got me fuck all when it came to pussy, so I had to explore other options. I highly recommend hanging out in coffee shops, wearing black, writing whatever crap comes to mind, calling it creative and acting deep. Some stupid wannabe-beatnik chick is certain to fall for it. She may not be the one you want, but she will put out. And don't be above fat chicks. Think of the fat as training wheels, because when you get your shot with the chick you actually DO want to see naked, you gotta make sure that your performance will encourage her to get naked for you in the future. Learn from my mistakes, children.
And THAT, Constant Reader, is a slice of fried gold.
* - I may play the banjo, but at least I get laid. Happy September.
Comments
The truth is told.
Hipsters are now having guitar hero nites at local bars with contests and drink specials. They all fuck each other.
Which is a shame. I think i might have possibly made out with a chick ONCE..just ONCE in the 13 YEARS IVE PLAYED GUITAR!!! THE REAL ONES!!
Rock is dead. I play for me anyway.
( editors note...she was sort of fat )
Drew Z